• My mom
• My Sean
• feeling refreshed and renewed and not tired
• playing golf
• Jones Beach Summer Concerts
• getting a manicure and pedicure every week
• shopping for clothes online
• swimming in the summer sun
• going fishing out at Captree
• the occasional evening smoke
• splashing in puddles
• getting lost in a good book
• building log cabins with lincoln logs
• painting and drawing
• mom’s summer peach dumplings

There used to be a time in my life when sex was basically the most important thing.  Up there with things like Jack Daniels and going commando.

When was I going to have sex next?  Who would it be with?  What would we do?  How many times would we do it?  Could we do it here?  Could we do it there?  Why not do it everywhere? Sex was like “teh important” and I feel for the most part, my “peak” came during a time when most men peak.  This is different because CLEARLY I AM A WOMAN!  But then I think about how I was then.  I was like “most men” when it came to sex, so it makes sense.  I didn’t have the typical (and albeight stereotypical) “girl sex syndrome” where sex = love and sex = exclusivity and sex = emotion and goo goo gah gah I’ve got my head so far up my ass I’m not even sure I’m having sex sex.  I never could wrap my brain around that line of thinking back then.  Sex felt good.  Sex felt really good.  I wanted lots of feeling good sex sex sex and it didn’t really so much matter about love or emotions or anything else besides FEELING GOOD.

These days, life isn’t about getting some.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love me some good sex and feeling good all over and we get our fair share of it on a regular basis, but I don’t feel as “driven” by it anymore.  I don’t constantly worry about not getting enough, getting to much, how/when/where to get more and the whole slew of worries that come along with having sex with strangers and condoms and STD testing, crazy stalkers and those even crazier “this is love at first sight I just know it, dont leave me foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” people. 

Maybe I just grew the hell up.  Maybe I just got other more important things to think about.  Maybe I’m just over it.  Maybe I no longer define my life by how much sex I am or am not getting?

Either way, I never ever want to forget being that woman who just wanted to feel good and didn’t require a long-term relationship to feel complete or think that if I slept with “insert name here” s/he’d love me forever.  All of those experiences, both good and bad, got me to be who I am today and I think it’s really important, especially for our young women out there, to know and understand that sex doesn’t have to be all love and forever.  It can be just for right this very second, to feel good.  It can also mean forever and love and marriage and all that.  But it doesn’t ONLY have to be that way.  You get to decide what it means and why you are doing it.  And that’s OK!

My mother taught me that I should wait to have sex until I got married or until I really fell in love with someone.  While I do believe that’s a really nice dream, I’m glad I had my fun.  I do wish I would have waited before jumping into things, I definitely was young when I first started having sex and if there were one thing in my life that I would change is that age. I wasn’t emotionally ready to deal with what sex brings with it.  I’m thankful that I made mostly good choices which didn’t leave me in a situation where I had to make decisions that I wasn’t really prepared to make. 

I wonder if I’ll pass that line of thinking on to our children.  If I’ll be as open and willing to share what I went through in some attempt to guide them toward what is right for them.  I hope so.  I don’t want to ever forget that young, independent, free-spirit who definitely made some mistakes but also got a whole lot right.

I am so over today, already.  Yeah, whooo it’s 6.6.06., oh no! scary! be afraid! shut the fuck up!

Ahhh, now that I got that out of my system.

I am one cranky bitch today.  I seriously woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Sean didn’t say more than good morning to me and I ripped him a new asshole.  He apologized for doing something he didn’t even know he did and I couldn’t even explain to him that he didn’t DO ANYTHING, that I just didn’t want to speak to anyone, look at anyone and godforbid you want to look at me…I’ll poke your eyes out with chop sticks.

Angry, much?

I’m not really angry.  I’m just…annoyed with my own skin.  The weather isn’t helping.  It’s finally a little sunny today, but the air feels full.  Like I can’t move around in it.  I feel sluggish and well, yeah like a slug.  Even my coffee is pissing me off.  My clothes are laying on my body the wrong way, my hair should be chopped off, and the sound of ANYTHING is going right through me.

I just want to put up a sign around my neck that says “DO NOT INTERACT WITH MOODY GIRL” and then go nap.

I was thinking the other day about possibly not posting about this, because I didn’t know if I wanted to hear the “so are you yet?” shit month after month, just in case things take time to get going, but then I thought well if that ends up being the case, I’ll probably post about that anyway, because what else do I really talk about here?  95% of the time it’s about my daily life.  So it’s hard to withhold all that just because…I don’t even know what my point was anymore.

So, about a month ago…maybe more, I can’t specifically recall, but Sean and I had a little conversation that went something like this:

him: what do you want for our anniversary?
me: a baby
him: ok

I said it in jest.  I mean, I didn’t REALLY want a baby for our anniversary.  He was getting an ipod.  That’s good stuff, those ipods.  I wanted a Canon SLR or a new vehicle, or more kitties.  I mean, something I could TOUCH THAT VERY DAY.  A baby?  While extremely wonderful and all…it wasn’t something I was going to have in 20 days, ya know?

Anyway, I don’t have a baby, that’s clear.  But, as they say, we’ve decided to “throw caution to the wind”.

So, now Sean is all over my cycle.  When is the best most optimal time, he asks.  Should I “save ‘em up”? 

I just laugh cause it’s SO cute.  This morning he looked at me and said “we’re going to be parents!” and I just couldn’t help but beam and get all carried away in it.  PARENTS!  To a CHILD!  THAT WE MADE and that GREW INSIDE OF ME! 

Yeah, that’s all strange and weird and well…I’m sure it will take quite a few months before he knocks me up.  But for now, we are buzzing around in the wonderment of all the things to come. 

And really, I won’t scoff at having sex all the time either

What do “they” say?  30 days of doing something makes a habit.  How about we change that to just 3 days? 

I exercised for THREE DAYS straight.  This is a record my friends.  I ususally do it every other day.  Sometimes I skip two days.  But I’m trying to change that and do spurts of three days, with one day of rest, then 3 days with one day of rest, and so on…

Of course my day of rest was yesterday and now today, don’t feel so much like exercising.  But I’m going to dammit. My body deserves it. I deserve it.  I could make all these excuses like, it’s too hot (going to be 85 degrees today) or I’m tired (but I know if I exercise I won’t feel so tired) or I don’t want to sweat (which hey, who likes to sweat right?  cause if you like to sweat, I can’t understand you!). 

So, I’m making my pledge right here on the internet.  3 more days of exercising coming up!

...We sit and chat outside while Sean smokes a cigarette.  It’s just 5-10 minutes together before he leaves for work.  But it’s such a good 5-10 minutes.  And when we say goodbye in the street, we hug each other and kiss.  He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him.  He says, I’ll miss you.  And I smile and tell him how much I’ll miss him.  One more hug.  And as he walks away he turns around and blows me a kiss. 

In these few moments he has made my day.

I wish I had some grand plans for the upcoming Memorial Day Weekend.  The kick-off to summer.  BBQing, sunshine, good food and good friends.  But I don’t.  Sean will be working all weekend, including the ‘holiday’ Monday.  I shouldn’t complain, it’s a good time for pool sales.  I will be working some of the time, and also pampering myself the other part of the time.  I want to get a mani and a pedi, maybe a haircut too!  I was thinking about getting a box of color to dump on my hair too.  I haven’t taken a lot of time for myself, so I’m looking forward to “sprucing up”.

Did anyone watch Lost last night?  Holy CRAZY!!  White/Purple light, deafening sound, the blast, Desmond, Michael and Walt.  Geez!  While they answered some things, there are so many more questions that have no answers.  And what the hell was that ending about?  Was the Penny on the other end of the phone?  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Too much excitement this week between 24, American Idol and Lost.

So TAYLOR HICKS!!!  WOOOO HOOOO!  I am so thrilled for him.  His album will probably be the only American Idol album/single that I will actually buy.  And listen to.  I really really like his style and he’s more “grown-up” than the other American Idols.  Not that I don’t love me some Kelly, because I do.  But she was the only other one that I’ve REALLY liked.  Until now.  I can’t wait to hear more of Taylor.

I’ve got a jam-packed schedule.  Off I go.  Have a great day!

Today was just a better day all around.  No headache.  So much better.  That mid-afternoon headache really brought me down.  And it was nice that today really flew by. 

I’m about to get settled in with some Smart Ones Ice Cream and Lost! 

Sean won’t be home for a bit, so it’s just me and the kitties.  Let the summer begin.